Mr. Albert Whickam, coming home one afternoon from his recently acquired position, looked quite surprised when he opened the door to the apartment to find his roommate Fredrick sitting quietly on the leather sofa reading a magazine.

Prior to Albert’s arrival, Fredrick was really enjoying his opportunity to have the apartment to himself, and made sure to dress for the occasion. With feet enveloped with very puffy, fuzzy, even playful looking green triceratops slippers sprinkled with red polka dots — the rest of his body wrapped in a large, warm looking blanket, he had truly mastered the cozy look.

Albert was wearing a worn countenance and his custom made Brioni suit. Starting at an exorbitant four grand and worn mostly by European Aristocracy and Hollywood heavyweights like James Bond’s Pierce Brosnan, this compilation of fabrics was by no means an average outfit. Because of the limited clientele that can meet the price tag, the real Brioni productions are made to measure for a limited number of elite customers, a privileged group that included Albert.

Somehow even with all of James Bond’s secret agent stunts, Brosnan’s suit still managed to look newer than Albert’s. Still, thought Fredrick, his image goes nicely with his job as the quality assurance manager of Reptilitus Inc., a new business software company that had recently exploded so much that they decided to put their fifty story World Headquarters in uptown Manhattan, above all to show the world that they weren’t just another paltry company headed for destitution.

Knowing Albert was in his presence merely from the way his one key made no jingle before opening the door, Fredrick said without even bothering to look up “Home kind of early aren’t you?”

“I was about to ask you the same question.”

“Well,” replied Fredrick with a slight smirk on his face, “my boss gave all of his employees a very pleasant surprise today when he told us all that we could take the rest of the day off just before our lunch break. I remember his exact words. At this point he placed his magazine down, stood up, and with a complete metamorphosis of tone said the following. ‘Attention please, attention. I want you allll to have a very Merry Christmas — aaand seeing as how we’ve got better things to do with our time than sit at our new desks and pretend to work when I happen to walk by, I’m letting you all go home early on Christmas Eve.’” It was a damn good impression. “Seeing such generosity in that old, ugly coot really touched my heart.” Fredrick made sure to enthusiastically pat his chest, slowly and conspicuously, no less than four times, as if he were somewhere between having a heart attack and falling in love.

Albert’s face now began to contort wildly. Wrinkles started to appear. He had started to breathe heavily. Wild noises were now filling the room, coming from none other than Albert himself!

The truth is, he was laughing.

“So what’s your excuse?” asked Fredrick.

“Well… my boss actually did the same exact thing,” Albert said as his heart began beating rather quickly now. “Maybe all the bosses got together at some conference and decided it was better to give everyone a half day, eh?” he said trying to ease his feelings of tension.

“But… aren’t you the boss?” asked Jack with a hint of curiosity and confusion.

Albert pondered what he had just said briefly and then wasn’t sure how to respond. After a moment’s time too long he countered with a shrewd quality “You can never be the boss of everything.”

Knowing very well that Jack and Fredrick worked together at the local travel agency, Albert quickly said “Hey so how come Jack’s not back yet?”

“Oh he said he had to go run some errands,” said Fredrick. He was careful not to tell Albert about how Fredrick was probably in a never-ending line at the mall right now buying presents with the Christmas bonus everyone at the agency had received.

“Oh. That actually sounds like a good idea,” said Albert, putting on his leather gloves and switching jackets as he walked towards the door.

“Leaving so soon? You just got back home!” Cried Fredrick, clearly looking for a reason as to why Albert would come home only to leave right away.

Hesitating slightly, Albert averted his eyes away from Fredrick’s and noticed a Lazyboy catalog lying over the newspaper. “Oh I’ve got to go to the furniture store to pick up a couple of things. I heard they’re having one of those blowout sales.”

Fredrick, having known Albert since childhood, was now remembering the last time they had gone to a furniture store together. The pair of them went looking for a new armchair. The one they had at the time was Jack’s old one from college. It was also grinding holes into the floor because of its pointy legs and one of its arms had downright fallen off. Albert said he wanted to go to the bathroom, and the two of them went. As Fredrick was in the process of splashing Albert’s pants with water to make it look like he had peed himself, a cell phone rang and the fun died. Two minutes later, Albert practically ran out of the store muttering something about his friend’s car braking down close by… They currently own the same armchair, and it’s armless.

By now, Albert noticed a slightly puzzled look growing across Fredrick’s face as though he wanted a more thorough explanation.

“Well I’ll see you later,” said Albert quickly while walking out the door sensing his roommate’s disbelief.

That day, even with his stomach grumbling for the Chilean Seabass he used to have with his girlfriend every Wednesday evening, Albert didn’t eat at all. He decided to walk to the store instead of taking a cab as was once his daily routine. Oh how he missed the convenience of taking the taxi to and from everywhere he went. It was the fastest way to get around the city if you had the money for it. However, his lifestyle was now very different from what it used to be: He no longer ate at the great restaurants the city had to offer, he no longer bought his outfits at prominent designer stores, and found himself having a daily life more austere than he could ever remember it ever being. He sometimes missed how his secretary used to always greet him with a smile upon entry. It had been weeks since he had talked to anyone from the office. Making a note not to be desiring of so many things, he set off on a bit of a journey to the electronics store in Queens that had what he needed.

Early the following morning when Fredrick awoke and walked over to get his daily bowl of cereal, he noticed Jack was already up.

As he walked further towards the kitchen he noticed Jack’s expression to be one very different from his usually jolly and energetic friend and roommate. “You’re looking a bit tired today. You haven’t been out partying with Albert have you?”

“No, I wish. It’s kind of a long story, but I can tell you this. I never want to go Christmas shopping again,” he said with repugnance in his voice.

“Oh I’m sure it couldn’t have been that bad. What happened?”

“All right. I went to the electronics store to buy Albert that new Super Audio CD player that we agreed to get him. You know, the sleek one with the speedy 6 CD carousel feature?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah well it turns out that in the ten minutes in between the time I called to ask an employee if they had any left and my arrival at the store, some greedy shoppers bought all 17 of them.”

“Those greedy bastards, they really have no shame. So wait, you didn’t get one? That’ll make the Super Audio CD collection I got him completely useless!”

“Hold on, there’s more,” said Jack quickly, now seeming to sense both anger and concern in Fredrick’s tone. “After that I decided the best thing to do was to check online to see if any nearby stores carried them.”

“So did you find it?” asked Fredrick apprehensively, his hand now subconsciously tapping on the table.

“Well there was this one electronics store that seemed to have predicted very well what people were going to be buying over the holidays. I called and the manager told me himself that he had plenty in stock and he could even reserve one for me. The only problem was that it was somewhere upstate in a town I had never heard of. I spent almost a good hour getting there, another hour finding Albert’s gift and waiting in line for it, and then almost two hours driving home at night in the pouring rain. I woke up early to wrap the present and write something on the card.

“So you got it?”

Jack felt disappointed that Fredrick didn’t really care about how hard his night was. “Yea, it’s in my room,” he replied insipidly.

“So what do you think Albert got us?” asked Fredrick with a smirk on his face. “It better be something really good.

“Yeah, I hope it’s a boat. I never thought I’d be on a boat.”

“Or a nautical themed, Pashmina Afghan.”

“You know how much he makes at that monster company that he like practically owns or whatever.”

“And I would know this how?”

“I dunno, well anyway he said he was going to the furniture store yesterday.”

“Really?”

“Hey maybe he got us some those matching leather swivel armchairs that we were talking about a few months ago!”

“I don’t know Fredrick, you weren’t all that serious about it. Besides, they probably don’t even sell them anymore.”

“Think about it though. You remember the three of us went out for breakfast to some diner, and we brought along our mail to check while they made our food. You had a… a… a lazyboy catalog! Albert was with us that day and said that that pair would fit nicely with the apartment’s décor.”

With that comment Fredrick now remembered how it had gone down. A bird fluttered down onto the ledge and could be seen outside the window. Fredrick averted his attention accordingly.

Twenty three seconds and four minutes later, the bird flew away, aw geez.

As far as Jack could remember, every other sentence Albert made that day was some complaint about not wanting to spend a lot of time at the diner because he had a meeting to prepare for, but that swivel chair did seem to catch his interest. Then the bird came back and Jack ran to get his disposable camera.

“You know, I thought about the swivel chairs, and you may have something there,” said Jack as he went to go join Fredrick for breakfast. “So you think he’ll wake up soon?”

“Not sure.”

After a few hours, a familiar annoying beeping noise could be heard coming from Albert’s room. Both Fredrick and Jack scuttled anxiously to get the presents.

Albert awoke only to find himself in quite a large amount of pain from yesterday’s travels. Simply moving his legs to turn off his alarm felt like a journey in itself. Pain had now become one with movement, so much so that Albert had to bite his lip to keep from audibly expressing it.

He made his way slowly to the door, carefully stepping around the puddle of water at the foot of the coat rack from last night’s terrible walk home. He could hear footsteps just outside. Upon opening the door, Albert noticed his two roommates standing directly in front of him both holding large presents. He felt horrible.

“Hey Albert, glad to see you finally woke up sleepyhead!” said Jack in his usual cheerful tone. “Have we got something for you!”

“Oh this is too much. You guys shouldn’t have,” said Albert hoping that the gifts weren’t too lavish.

“Oh don’t mention it. Really,” said Fredrick also looking very merry. “Go on, open em’!”

Judging by their excitement, Albert knew that the gifts he was about to receive were ones Fredrick and Jack certainly seemed proud of giving. As they each handed him matching wrapped gifts, Albert began to worry about what was inside.

As he opened the first gift and saw two large collections of Super Audio CD’s, his heart sank. He had a feeling he knew what might be in the unopened box.

“We weren’t sure what to get you so we got the top rated albums of the year, according to some guy on Amazon.”

Albert then made a forced attempt at trying to seem surprised and happy by saying “This is awesome.” It seemed a bit flat. As Albert was immediately being handed the second present he hoped dearly that it wouldn’t be what he thought it was. As he sluggishly made his way through the wrapping paper his fear came to life. Sitting in front of him was a brand new, limited edition, super audio CD player worth some serious coin. He stood there speechless for a while, really starting to feel the weight of the audio component. This was heavy.

Not wanting to hurt their feelings by showing signs of not appreciating their gifts, Albert decided it was best to just try to play along for now. “Let me go into my room and get your presents.”

As Albert returned holding only two very small presents he noticed Jack’s eyebrows start to rise. They ascended more and more, eventually leading to a face so distorted it looked as though someone had molded it out of clay and had yet to finish the details.

“Happy Holidays guys.”

Fredrick almost hesitated to accept the gift. He remembered how last year Albert had given them season passes to one of the best (and most expensive) ski resorts in the Northeast.

“Whoa nice” yelped Jack. “It’s a photography book! Thanks Albert, this is great, I’m sure it’ll come in handy.” Jack bought himself a new Nikon a couple of weeks ago and fiddled with it every day like a 7 year old riding his first 2 wheeler. Albert looked him in the eye, saw sincerity and happiness, and felt warmth upon him.

“I’m glad you like it.” Jack stretched his arms around Albert and gave him a quick hug.

Fredrick was still unwrapping his gift slowly only to find that it was in a box that bore a label he hadn’t heard of. It looked like he was going to get clothes. Fredrick wondered if maybe Albert had ordered him a suit. A suit would be great. He softly peeled the tape off of the boxes sides and felt for an edge. He closed his eyes, and in one swift swipe took the top lid off. So elated by his anxiety he opened one eye ever so slowly and peered down into the expected wonder. With mouth open, eyebrows slightly raised, his breath stopped, and a drop of sweat breaking on the side of his face, he saw it.

He saw that he had gotten… a shirt. It had a collar, some stripes, a couple of more buttons than normal, and some black and blue. It was, it was, it was — Contortions started, excitement was replaced by confusion, raised eyebrows lowered, and as Fredrick’s arms accelerated upwards with the shirt in hand and an empty box below him, he said without thinking, “cool, thanks.”

“Its stain and wrinkle resis–” but he was cut off.

“Yeah now I have something new to wear on weekends.”

Albert sensed some tension. Something was wrong. He could feel it. He thought it was a great shirt from a good designer and it was even wrinkle free. Wrinkle free! No hassles! No ironing! Fredrick hates ironing!

“Well, we’ve got to get going,” said Fredrick. We have a Christmas party to go to.”

It was fourteen minutes past one PM.

“Yea. It’s supposed to be the best Christmas party ever. You want to come Albert?”

“Su–,” and it happened again.

“Sorry Albert. Actually I’m allowed only one guest,” said Fredrick. “You understand don’t you?”

“Uhh, yea sure.”

“Besides, I’m sure you’ve got some fancy party to go to tonight.”

“Yea, one of my friends is having one,” he lied.

That night, Albert called his coworkers to ask if anyone was having a get-together that night.

“Hey Shelly. It’s Albert. A smile now ran across his face. “Really? Well that sounds good. All-right, see you then.”

A few days later, minutes after midnight on a particularly cold night in January, Fredrick and Jack were driving back into the city from a basketball game and decided to stop by at a relatively new twenty-four hour diner for a late night meal.

“I think they could have picked it up a bit more than they did second quarter,” said Jack as they sat down to wait to be helped. “I mean where was their defense? That was the turning point right there.”

“I still can’t believe they let–.”

“What did you say Fredrick?”

But now it wasn’t important at all, for standing before Fredrick, wearing a faded blue diner uniform was a worn face he knew all too well.

“Hey guys,” Albert said calmly “what can I get ya?”

Water spewed out of Fredrick’s mouth like a bad swimmer trying to breathe. It then proceeded to land mainly on Fredrick in a frenzied shower. It happened the way you see in movies and tv shows, the way it never happens in real life.

“Albert!”

“Fredrick, hey Jack.”

“Hey.”

“I thought – you were out tonight.”

“Yea. I kind of made a bad decision with the company. It cost a bit of money. They uhh… they let me go,” he said with a subtle shudder in his voice and his eyes fixed on the notepad in his hands. Albert was the kind of person that never liked showing weakness. He didn’t open up to anyone the way he had just now, admitting defeat, admitting failure. It felt as if he was telling them he had cancer. It was as big as a triceratops, heavy as a tub of mercury. It was everything. It was a stupid idea to get their table. This was all wrong, it felt like mental suicide.

Albert took their order with a smile, jotted everything down as normal, and walked back into the kitchen. He gave the cook the order, took off his uniform, walked out the back, went home, packed everything into his car, and never looked back.